Have you seen the movie UP? It looked cute, and my Dad recommended it, so we thought we’d give it a go.
“Cute” is no longer an adequate word to describe this film for me because what could have been a schmaltzy animated film ended up being a dramatic commentary on life, love and fatherhood. Of course, it’s very funny in parts, and quite action-packed, but it for me was a sort of animated “Last Lecture,” complete with adventure, dreams, joy, loss, suffering and triumph. Thinking I’m reading too much into a computer cartoon movie?
Check out the above pictures, two separate but back-to-back scenes in the first fifteen minutes of the film. The story of Ellie & Carl Frederickson begins with their meeting as children, both in love with fantastic adventures. They grow up, fall in love, marry, renovate their first home together, and do what married couples do: they decide to fill it with children. [Spoiler alert: don't read the rest if you don't want to know about the plot!] They begin the journey to parenthood, only to have it cut short. This part of the film is done very succinctly and tastefully, but the pictures communicated the cascade of feelings of what couples go through when they lose a child or can’t conceive. It was tremendously powerful for me watching this because my husband and I have been married for three years, and haven’t been able to conceive. Though we know we have much hope, and look forward to starting the NaProtechnology process through the Creighton Model of FertilityCare, it’s still difficult.
I have so much sympathy for my friends and non-friends alike who go through this struggle, which often results in a successful pregnancy after years of suffering, or perhaps sometimes ends with disappointment and irreversible infertility. I think people forget the grief that can come with this struggle, especially if one has previously contracepted, aborted, or engaged in a lifestyle that has negatively impacted their fertility.
So my first thought and recommendation is to pray for those who are struggling with sub-fertility or infertility. They need your prayers, and they need your support. If someone you know suffers a miscarriage, still born, or sudden infant death, the best thing you can do is to suffer with them, and to listen. Bring dinner, help babysit or run errands for them, too, because pregnancy or child loss is overwhelming. Whatever you do, do NOT try to “help” by saying things like, “Oh you already have [number] children; it’s okay,” or “You’re still young,” or something ridiculous like that. According to my several friends who’ve miscarried, these types of comments are all too common, and completely ignore the fact that after conception, it’s a human person just like you and I, and there’s a similar grief as when an adult dies.
Also, don’t judge a person by the size of their family. Uggh. This seems to be common Christian sense, but it’s sadly ubiquitous among pious people to judgmentally implement this uncaring silent algorithm that “If they’ve been married X years, they only have X kids, she still works (etcetera), they must be contracepting.” AHHH! PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT OTHERS HAVE SUFFERED THROUGH. Yes, it’s true that many families have their requisite two children, and contracept or sterilize themselves through the rest of their marriage. We all make mistakes, and if you haven’t in this area, give thanks. However, you still shouldn’t judge, and you definitely should give people the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps we’ll even learn something that way.
Lastly, the movie which provided my introduction and reflection on infertility, is also a movie about taking chances, moving forward through suffering, and ultimately, about spiritual parenthood. It turns out you can still be a mother or father to someone without giving birth or even without adopting. Adoption is a beautiful and heroic thing, but if for whatever reason a couple can’t achieve it, they still are parents. This isn’t the desolate consolation for the infertile, but a great gift with which all people have been given: the gift of spiritual parenthood. In the end, the elder Carl Frederickson gives the gift of parenthood to little Russell, his accidental companion on the adventure that is UP.
So, next Mother’s Day or Father’s day, please remember couples without children, or who are struggling to have children. Wish them sincerely a happy Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. This goes for childless pastors, priests and elderly as well. They are sexual beings with the gift of masculinity/ femininity and parenthood as well. And let us all give thanks for the gift of children in an age where the child is denigrated is so many ways.
Here’s a couple articles on the Gift of Infertility that I found very informative from a health perspective and a moral perspective:
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[...] More: UP & The Gift of Infertility [...]
We also just watched that last weekend. You’re right, those first fifteen minutes are well done – not only was I bawling, but my father-in-law cried and even my husband teared up.
Wasn’t it great? It was a very well written film.
I’ll be praying for you. The Old Testament is rich with stories about infertitlity which are powerful and have great blessings. Spiritual parenthood is also a wonderful thing.
Can’t wait to see this film. We struggled for 5 years and have now conceived, but I do feel that our infertility isn’t “cured.” Those struggling with infertility are in my daily prayers.
Infertility is a challenging gift/cross to have, especially since it’s hidden and few people understand it. If you need support, there are quite a few Catholic infertility blogs. Click on the link behind my name and I have a blog list of Catholic infertility bloggers. You can also email me. Most of the bloggers have done Napro. Up was a great movie and thanks for your comments on what those on the outside can do to be supportive of those dealing with infertility.
Elizabeth, I was hesitant to write that my husband totally teared up too. You know what, our men aren’t alone! I was watching Conan while trying to sew stockings last night, and he had Elijah Wood on as a guest. Elijah’s done some animation/ voiceover jobs, and all of a sudden he was talking about UP, and how especially the scene I’m writing about made his married man friends cry (“They were inconsolable.”), and Conan said he teared up as well! Something about this movie really resonated with people, I think.
Thanks, mrsblondies! There are some great blogs out there, many of whom find great success with NaPro. Glad you enjoyed UP!
Jessica – I didn’t just bawl when I saw the movie, but also when I read this post. We have also been TTC for quite a while, was pregnant once a year ago and lost it to miscarriage, and now back to not being able to conceiving. I have been using Creighton for 2 years, but b/c of finances haven’t taken all the steps to find out the problems. I, with 9 other women, will be starting the Creighton practitioner training in Denver in January. Please pray for us and those that we will be serving who are facing subfertility or infertility. I am assuming you have found a teacher in the Denver area? The ladies who are practitioners already are wonderful! We will be praying for you and your husband as you proceed in your journey.
I saw this movie on a plane like 2 days after our first month of “trying” ended. I remember trying to hide my tears then. And now several months later of the same result, I still tear up when I think about that movie. I think you have some good suggestions and I have to say that I agree most with your comment on large families being the only “right” size for Catholics. That is also what upset me the most in the whole discussion about NFP being used for grave reasons a while back since its not about having large families but about being open to the family God gives you. These are entirely different and often bring about the misunderstanding that you brought up.
Also, another thing I’ve been struggling with is this idea that me using NFP somehow makes me more deserving of a child. While I guess maybe it can biologically give you better chances of having that child, it in and of itself will never let me have a child. God will. Each child born is literally a miracle. So cliche but so true. Nevertheless I struggle most when I see others get pregnant on the pill or just after they get off and then immediately talk about using contraception again. I know I am where I’m at for a reason but I do admit I pray that God doesn’t think I’m so capable of carrying this burden.
Alison, thank you so much for sharing. I felt a little wounded from some of the things flung our way from some of the providentialists who commented in the “Priest Accuses..” entry, which I know you understand, too. If you haven’t checked the comments there lately, they’re still going at it, though in a more balanced way.
NFP in and of itself doesn’t make one more deserving of a child–you’re right there. But we do have to try to live as justly and the holiest lives we can, not because we think it’ll “earn” us a child, but because in the face of an all-merciful and all-loving God (and His Mother’s watchful care), it’s the only just thing. Children are miracles, and pure gift, not commodoties, like IVF treats them. We just have to live in the present moment, and discern God’s will for us now, not in our daydreams.
It’s a suffering, and perhaps it’s a suffering the Lord gives us to give back unto him for a particular person or intention. If you don’t already have an intention for your infertility sufferings, I would pray about that with your hubbie, and see perhaps where your suffering could be directed. Perhaps for priests to be more courageous in preaching on family life issues? Perhaps for your pastor or Bishop? Perhaps for a family or friend who needs healing from an abortion or pregnancy loss? (Remember: 1 in 4 women carry the sufferings of abortion ,whether they know it or not.) Perhaps for an end to IVF and the protection of the 800,000 IVF “leftover” embryos currently frozen throughout the US? You never know. The Lord knows your heart, and he embraces you always.