There's no easy button for NFP, which is why it's so great.
Many couples find themselves between a rock and a hard place, namely, between the Rock & NFP. They (particularly Christians) choose NFP for any combination of reasons, including moral, practical, relational and medical. Some NFPers are well formed in their faith and gung-ho from the beginning, but some are skeptical and need a little encouragement.
In the latter scenario, you may hear the following pitches by NFP instructors, marriage preparation coordinators, friends or pastoral associates:
It’s just as effective as contraception!
It’s marriage insurance: NFP users almost never get divorced.
NFP is really simple.
It’ll bring you two together like nothing else.
NFP is totally legit.
Now before your trigger finger hits the combox, hear me out. What’s wrong with introducing NFP with the following statements? I say, a lot. There’s nothing patently false about the above statements. In fact, they’re true. However, these statements should come within the context of a well-formed and universal perspective on marriage, sexuality and NFP. Otherwise, you’re presenting NFP as a marital panacea (just like contraception is presented as a panacea) without exception, and this doesn’t do anyone a favor, to say the least.
It reinforces our culture of convenience and the quick ‘n easy approach to life, which in the end is no short cut at all. See my qualified versions of these statements:
It’s just as effective as contraception! (Not the full truth. This presents NFP as just “Catholic Contraception.” Though the end can be the same–97-99% effectiveness at postponing pregnancy, it’s fundamentally different. Further, NFP can also be used to achieve pregnancy for those wanting to get pregnant, as well as identify health issues and causes of infertility.)
It’s marriage insurance: NFP users almost never get divorced. (I don’t doubt the logic behind this–I’ve seen it in action. However, I’ve done the research, and the studies that quote NFP user divorce rates at around 2% are not methodologically airtight. I think the hypothesis is correct, but better studies need to be conducted. Further, this is usually stated in such a matter-of-fact way as to sound like NFP=perfect, happy marriage. It’s not just about the method; it’s about the whole marital package, which may include NFP.)
NFP is really simple. (NFP isn’t rocket science, but it’s not as easy as swallowing a pill or getting a periodic shot. I think NFP’s selling point is precisely that it requires effort. The things worth learning require effort. What makes NFP work for couples is that it requires knowledge, effort, responsibility and self control. If you can’t listen, chart, record, be responsible, communicate and control yourself, think twice about marriage because it requires all those virtues. NFP stands for “Not For the Pusillanimous.“ But that’s it’s strength.)
It’ll bring you two together like nothing else. (No barriers, natural sex and shared responsibility tend to bring people together, but if you have unhealthy communication, unequal commitment to NFP or relationship issues to begin with, NFP will not solve those issues for you. You have to work at those, and once you’re both committed and can communicate in a healthy, selfless way about it, it will totally bless your relationship.)
NFP is totally legit. (Yup, sure is. However, for Catholics, you can’t just use it to postpone pregnancy at will because you feel like it for selfish, non-serious reasons. The fourth marriage vow says that you will be open to children. While this doesn’t mean you have to have as many children as physically possible, it does mean you understand that sex is awesome, uniting and bonding, but that sex also means babies. The Church leaves it up to the couple’s discretion to discern what is a just, serious or grave reason, but what gets me is that this part of the equation is usually left out. If it does get a mention, it’s in passing, with no guidelines on how to discern this.)
Bottom line: proper formation in NFP classes is so key, which means NFP Instructors need to have great formation, not only in the methodology, but in the theology and morality.
Another key aspect, which is much more lacking than proper formation, is support for couples after the class is over. Theoretically, approved NFP methods are supposed to have ample follow up. This is usually the case that charting follow ups happen, and follow ups (in person or over the phone) are very helpful in getting through the nuances of NFP charting and interpretation.
However, sometimes women have irregularities in the mucus or other biological signs of fertility, and the level of difficulty increases because it may mean (if they’re postponing pregnancy) that their days of abstinence are longer, therefore increasing the sacrifice and oftentimes stress in the relationship. This isn’t inherently a bad thing, as difficulties dealt with virtue bring many graces and bless a relationship. However, if a couple has been told “NFP is a snap,” “Days of abstinence are 3-5 days,” and “You’ll totally love it!” without much other formation, they will be understandably disappointed.
In Joshua B’s refreshingly honest post at Evangelical Catholicism, he says it straight out: NFP needs to be properly introduced and taught, and it shouldn’t be presented as a marital cure-all. I TOTALLY AGREE!!! Joshua goes on to talk about the need for the couple to be open with their teachers, even with the emotional/ sexual/ relational side of things. However, it’s not always the case that the conversation goes in this direction, or that couples are comfortable discussing their questions about X-Y-Z with Mr. & Mrs. NFP Teacher. This explains the huge prevalence of NFP Message boards, the e-equivalent of the sewing circle, which are usually gender segregated (on purpose or by nature). Somehow it’s more comfortable to discuss foreplay, sexual frustration, questions about what’s illicit/ unchaste sexually in the “safety” of online friendships than a face to face convo with your teacher, whom you hardly know and face judgement from.
The last thing I want to mention, which Joshua B. brings up in his second post on “Troubles with NFP”, is that sometimes couples have difficulty with a method, which can happen for a number of reasons. It may be a difficulty with recording temperatures, keeping up with the mucus classifications, an intuitive difficulty, or a health issue that their particular method isn’t helping them with. This is where NFP Instructors need to be trained well enough, and be familiar with other methods, so that they can openly and happily refer a couple to another method or another Instructor. Thankfully, this does happen, and couples find the right fit, not giving up on NFP.
However, as I lament here in point #3, many NFP Instructors become such fans of their method and their own NFP community to the detriment of the wider NFP community. They forget NFP Instructors for other methods are their friends and colleagues sometimes, even going so far as to misquote other methods’ statistics (perhaps just through lack of knowledge) and act as if their own method is THE method for everyone. It’s awesome to be a die-hard promoter of your method, but to act as if your method has absolutely the answer for every couple and every temperament is naive at best, and leads to a prideful, self-centered manner that, in the end, is fruitful for nobody. So we really need to encourage inter-method dialogue and learning so that we can understand eachothers’ methods, the data on other methods, and even learn about the beauty of other methods and what sets them apart.
Hopefully I don’t sound like a total Debbie Downer, but I want to bring a little self-examination to NFP groupies (of which I’m one) who sometimes get a little over-enthusiastic in our cheer-leading. After this somber editorial, what are some positive things we can do:
- Sit in on your instructors’ classes (for NFP Coordinators/ Supervisors): If distance doesn’t prevent you, be a regular observer in classes. I would have never known of some of the formation issues at hand if I hadn’t sat in on classes. Your instructors shouldn’t fear your presence as if your sole job is being Big Sister, but it is part of your work to check the quality and accuracy of instruction, and affirm instructors who are doing a great job.
- Hold formation classes or informal meetings for NFP Instructors (for NFP Coordinators/ Supervisors): One way to correct mistakes or preemptively get at problem areas is to offer formation classes periodically. Make it interesting and fun, and offer babysitting if you can for parents. This way you can encourage dialogue between the methods, have Q&A, and find out yourselves how instructors are handling the difficult issues. Topics to cover: The dos & dont’s about speaking on NFP, how to promote a class, reaching out to the cohabiting couple, difficult cases, Theology of the Body review, and prayerful discernment of just and serious reasons.
- Start a Family Support Group: It’s not just about NFP, but that will certainly be part of this. You can do this virtually for free with volunteers and some intra-parish promotion, or you can hire Alexander House (or a similar family aposotolate) who offers a Covenant of Love Program to help you coordinate this.
- Pray for your couples: We shouldn’t just pray for people to discover NFP and give up contraception. We need to continually offer our apostolate (whether it’s giving talks, NFP instruction or promotion) in prayer, and to pray for those will will be, are, or have been under our care.
- Reach out: Make sure your couples know that they can reach you, personally but also by phone/ email. Also, get to know them as much as you can. In your one-one-one time or follow ups, ask them about themselves (obviously within reason) and get to know them. They can’t ask you the difficult questions if they don’t know you or trust you.
- Be refreshingly honest: If you’ve had a struggle with NFP that turned out well, share it! An honest story about a real struggle is worth so much. It makes us human, and lends credibility when counseling couples.
What other suggestions do you have?
31 Responses to Tell People How Much NFP Sucks
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These are great points Jessica! Great post. I really agree that NFP needs to be taught within a complete perspective of what the Sacrament of marriage means and what the marital act means. One reason is that when the inevitable user or method failures happen, the couples have a context to place it in their hearts and can accept an unplanned pregnancy with joy and flexibility. And I love your suggestions!
Thank you, AgapeMarg! I hope this blog entry doesn’t make it sound like I think all instructors miss this boat, but I’ve seen and heard enough to really see a need for renewal in marriage/ family planning formation–on several levels. You’re right that they need the grace and the practical understanding to deal with difficulties in NFP, but it almost always makes the couple stronger together. Did you have a favorite suggestion?
I dont know whether to laugh or cry when i read this article —
Iam having my third baby in my three years of being married -
I learnt nfp from a book – tcoyf because where i come from there are no classes and no doctors who teach this method
I must be mad for following blindly
Aside from the facts that 1. No one in sight has had proper training for any nfp methods
2 . There are no nfp doctors
3. Everyone around me is using bc
I think the church should seriously consider that for those of us in africa our challenges are not that people are competing for the supremacy of a method but that no one is even bothering to teach it and practising it comes with a whole sset of challenges
God bless
Hey confusedmum, thank you so much for stopping by! I’m honored to have you read and comment because, though I have readers from all over the world, I get mostly commenters living in the western world. I’d love to know how you heard of NFP and how you found TCOYF. TCOYF is an awesome resource, but as I was just lamenting to a teacher friend last night, having an instructor is really the way to go since NFP is tailored to each couple, and to each woman.
You have so much courage and resolve, not just because you’ve been blessed (and stressed!) by three little ones, but that you’re persevering amidst those sets of challenges. Unfortunately, I don’t know enough about where you are, or what kind of diocesan resources there are (I’ll bet they’re far away), but there are some online courses where you’re matched up with an actual living instructor to help you on your way. If you have internet access (which I’m guessing you do), check out the Couple to Couple League or Northwest Family Services’ Online courses. See these links, and for questions about your personal situation, I’d drop an email before you sign up:
CCL Home Study (with consultant access & supplementary materials)
Northwest Family Services Online Course
Also, the Billings Ovulation Method is very International, so take quick check with them. They may have an online course.
Lastly, if the price is too steep, don’t be afraid to explain your situation and ask for a scholarship because they have money set aside for this.
Please come back and let me know how it goes. Thank you for your motherhood and your faithfulness! I’m praying you find what you need.
I am agnostic and we are using NFP to try to conceive. This is especially important as we are in different cities on weekdays for work (does it count as a “sick” day if you need to leave town to conceive?!). I have never thought about/heard about/considered that NFP somehow causes an improvement in marriages. If I were designing a NFP marketing campaign, I would target people who are trying to conceive. People are more motivated to create habits that have a real tangible benefit (a baby) as opposed to creating habits with uncertain consequences (when the goal is to prevent a pregnancy). The hope would be that if NFP is successful for helping a couple conceive, they would be more likely to continue using the method because the habits are already developed and they know it “works.”
Hey Erin! Welcome. (I love your blog, btw. So lovely.)
Yes, the marriage improvement factor is more of a good side effect than a real selling point, but a good point nonetheless. I think one’s emphasis definitely depends on the audience. Because NFP appeals to a wide variety (though not a large number) of people, I emphasize different things with different people. Since I don’t really emphasize this point as a primary point, I’ve never pondered deeply about tangible versus intangible benefits. I do think that improved communication, intimacy and selflessness are extremely tangible, though. This is especially apparent when you contrast those positive effects against the research (and many, many people’s lived experience) the shows the very negative tangible effects contraception (particularly hormonal contraception) have on relationships. (Listen to Janet Smith’s New & Revised “Contraception:Why Not” or Google Vicki Thorn +Contraception +Pheramones.)
Having said all that, I think that you are definitely right about increasing the marketing of NFP to those trying to conceive. Usually when I blog about Infertility & NFP, I always include “IVF Alternatives” or “IVF” as a tag/ subject, so that I can get that audience on the web. FertilityCare (the Creighton Model) has been doing this well for a number of years, though they’ve only recently had the money to revamp their web site, get some videos done and do basic PR. There’s not a lot of money in NFP (not now anyway), so there tends to be a ceiling on what’s done with PR. However, some of us (Nicole at Surviving Endometriosis, and other colleagues/ friends) feel very strongly that there is a lot one can do even with limited resources, and we’re hoping to coordinate a Conference on How to Market/ Promote NFP in the fall.
Lastly, I think that your’e right that once people are in the door with NFP (and they have good instruction), they’re more likely to keep it up. A different type of example: That’s the hope with mandatory NFP classes for Catholic Engaged Couples. Sure, many of them may be cohabiting and contracepting, but if they get past the stereotypes and give it a go, they may switch.
I hope you stop by again. Though I’m religious, I really want all NFP/ FAM users to feel comfortable being a reader and part of the conversation, and to contribute your thoughts and experience.
Thank you for this post! We are teaching an NFP class this Sunday and this was very thought provoking. We really struggle to find this balance as most of the couples we teach are required to be there for marriage prep which I think is amazing and wonderful but it certainly presents its own challenges. It’s very hard to not feel like you are supposed to “convince” them or “sell” the method which we know is best done through honest representation of NFP and the teachings behind it. We believe strongly in truth with love and try to focus on that. We do find ourselves using the benefits of NFP and treatment options regarding IF to try and “hook” their interest. It seems to get some couples away from the defensiveness they sometimes come into class with especially if they are currently on birth control and assume we will be judging them etc. My husband once equated teaching students who don’t know what NFP is or don’t want to be there, to helping a baby learn how to eat. If you throw all the “tough stuff” at them right away you will have them choking and they will likely be turned off and go on strike, but if you start where they are at and ease your way up it seems they are more open listening and learning from you. Any thoughts on how to best handle the reluctant couple in a way that doesn’t water down the method or theology behind it, but also doesn’t force feed them too much too quickly and result in them shutting down and deciding it’s not for them right from the get go?
Great as always Jess!
I knew about the churchs stand way before i got married and a few weeks before we wed — i set on about looking for classes ( which i did not find — lol )
My maid-of -honour is a doctor and she lent me a book that was teaching the BIllings method which we did practise for a while – but my body kept changing so much after i had children that i quickly lost faith in the method
I heard about tcoyf after having my second chld and frantically searching online for resources – i got a copy for $16 on amazon.com and asked a friend who had travelled to buy me a bbt …. Well pp charting is diff and the rest as they say is history . I do chart online — at a site called go28days.com
This is a tough subject. It seems very important to simply be honest. When first learning about NFP I hated the Catholic books and loved the secular ones because it seemed as if the Catholic authors were so worried about promoting “openness to life” that they would not even cite solid studies of NFP being 99% successful for avoiding pregnancy. It seemed as if everything about NFP had to be hard so that it would not be “abused.”
But by now I have seen those who act as if NFP is always easy. So easy, in fact, that they don’t think that couples need to learn it until they “really need it.” And then the couples a miserable with trying to figure out NFP while dealing with difficult postpartum cycles or fertility issues.
And so much pain could be saved with a strong dose of honesty and moderation. Thank you for bringing up this topic!
confusedmum, I’m sorry that you had difficulty in finding the classes initially. Did you check out the links for the online classes? May I have permission to give your email to the folks at CCL so they can directly contact you and help you on your way?
I’m glad you have medical connections. I’ve heard good things about the Billings Method, and I can’t personally speak to pospartum difficulties with it. Are there any Billings people out there with an insight?
I’m glad that you’ve not given up on NFP, and you’re persevering. Your comments in this conversation are important, because they shine a light on difficulties many people don’t face–a real geographic isolation. Confusedmum, do you know anyone else in your area that practices NFP? I’d love to connect you to people that you can email with so that you can ask them more in-depth questions. I’ll see what I can find for you!
Interesting insight, Rae. I think it probably depends on what Catholic books you found. I’ve found exactly the opposite problem. Most people I know are so concerned they won’t be taken seriously that they take the “NFP is as good as…” approach. Have you found Catholic authors since then that were more balanced in their perspective (meaning that they trust that people–with good formation–are able to handle the decision to postpone for unselfish reasons)?
I, unlike the people you’ve run into, think that NFP is fine to learn any time, including before marriage–with the intention of “using” it after marriage (as opposed to a certain group who think NFP class before marriage is a sin against modesty–damned biological diagrams!). It’s not very helpful to a couple in many cases to postpone NFP classes “until needed” because they have no practice with the method, which adds to the difficulty of the situation. I’m not against difficulty. Suffering can be a beautiful thing, but prudence sometimes means preparation for this difficulty, not just diving in blindly like a false martyr.
Honesty, moderation and formation–yes, all key ingredients! Stop by again, Rae! (I liked your Endo story posts, btw.)
Sorry that I didn’t get back to you on this comment before your class, but stay tuned for an email on how to reach the reluctant couple.
Happy to hear your honesty–it *is* hard to find the balance, Kristin. I think it really depends on the venue and the context. Is it an NFP class? An NFP talk? How old are the couples? How religious are the couples? If possible, what’s their history? (The latter is mostly possible in one-one-one situations like mentoring, or if you have an icebreaker time in your talk/ class.) Anyway, these are all things to consider in how one approaches a class/talk/ seminar.
I generally agree with the baby-eating-tough-stuff analogy, but it’s not always true. For example, in the God’s Plan Marriage Prep seminars, the whole day is theological (not exactly the easy stuff), but it’s done and hopefully presented in such a way that it sets people to be open to the fifth and sixth talks which lead up to NFP.
More soon…thanks for your support Kristin!
Hey jess ,
Yeah feel free to pass on my email address to the pple at ccl ( am like two mths pregnant so i wonder if it would be a good time to learn a new method lol …. ) ….
I did hear about a group of ladies ( in opus dei that practise nfp ) so i will try and contact them –
Cheers and thanks for your postivity about nfp -
cheers ,
Hey Jess! Again, great info, but I asked you before what your credentials are in this arena ( fair, I believe)…I take this seriously because it is imperative in my life as a Catholic woman trying to conceive. I have had limited (NO) success with the NFP “system” in conceiving. You never addressed my questions…yeah, maybe I sounded a bit cynical, (I apologize), yet I’m searching for answers from sources that assert their knowledge and experitise in this area. Please induldge me…
Mary, J. I accept your apology and forgive you for your impertinence. Thank you for explaining yourself here as to where you’re coming from, which is helpful in blog conversation.
Did you see my reply to the last comment that you left? I’ve not seen one yet. Before I answer your questions about my credentials in email, I’d really like to hear your thoughts there. Also, have you read my “about” section of the blog? You’ll find a good summary of who I am and why I blog about NFP there. Also, what are you looking for in credentials? What will satisfy you? Do I need to be an MD and have conceived 13 kids with NFP? Do I need to be a founder of a method?
It sounds to me like just *perhaps* you’re taking out your frustration with NFP on an NFP advocate like me (anyone else, really?) in part because of your suffering, and lack of success so far.
Also, next time you comment (see comments policy), please address specifically the blog post you’re commenting under. For example, I get that you’re cynical about NFP and are critical of my approach here (fine), but I see nothing in your comment here that applies to this post in particular. If you just want to rail against me personally and my credentials, please send me an email; don’t do so in the combox. Thank you.
Mary J – if you don’t mind my asking, how long have you been TTC? The average woman takes nearly a year to conceive. NFP is a great resource… obviously knowing when you are fertile is key… but it’s no guarantee. Do you have an NFP instructor? If you are concerned about fertility issues you could take your charts to your instructor and see what they have to say. Also, I believe CCL has a questionnaire that you and your partner can fill out.
Jess – am I right on that? Do you have any info on how to get CCL’s fertility questionnaire?
And, sorry I’m not following posting protocol – just trying to help.
Interesting post about ‘marketing’ NFP. I get slightly uncomfortable when I hear NFP cheerleaders say that NFP saves marriages, is as effective as contraception, AND it’s approved by the Catholic Church. Really? We’ve found the easy answer in the 20th century to all marriage problems, and it lies in NFP?
I firmly believe that the best way to promote NFP to anyone (Catholic or not) is to focus on how healthy it is for women. NFP isn’t just Catholic birth control–it offers a great overall picture of a woman’s health AND her fertility. It’s not just for married women, and not just for women in their prime childbearing years. NFP charts in the hands of a physician who knows what he’s looking at are an incomparable tool to help diagnose many health issues.
At the same time, NFP being used by a couple trying to avoid pregnancy can be tough. Abstinence isn’t fun, and abstinence isn’t encouraged by our culture (or our hormones). We need to be honest and open about the challenges of NFP so that we can better help married couples using it. I think that too often, diocesan family life councils and other Catholic organizations shy away from broadcasting the whole “NFP sucks” aspect because it doesn’t play well in the culture, and they don’t want to scare anyone away. How many of us have sat through the marriage prep class on NFP and witnessed the grimaces and groans of the other engaged couples, likely contracepting or planning to, as they hear about how great and holy and lovely and EASY NFP is? I know I’ve fallen into the trap myself, when trying to persuade engaged Catholic friends that NFP is doable for them.
But really, we need more resources for people using NFP to avoid pregnancy (and people using NFP unsuccessfully to conceive)–the tough situations–because that is where the rubber really hits the road. It’s not always happy-clappy, it’s not always easy. But it’s rewarding, and it’s right, and it strengthens our marriages more than we know.
Welcome, Rachel, and it’s great to hear other NFP fans’ balanced approach to NFP. I agree that we need to focus on health and wholeness when we promote NFP. I think it’s okay to use the typical pros used by NFPers (good for marriages, as effective as…, etc.), but it has to be in the context of an honest, unified and fully informed approach.
I do agree that we need more resources for those who are postponing pregnancy (and having a difficult time with it–such as Marie does here). If you could design or request such a material, Rachel, what would that look like?
I think that in terms of resources for people trying to avoid pregnancy, nothing beats ongoing communication with an NFP instructor (a necessary part of using NFP, IMO–reading a book and going from there just doesn’t cut it) for insight into confusing cycles.
That’s really only part of the picture though, and the discernment part of the process (as well as coping with what we believe God has called us to in terms of using NFP) is going to involve other people as support. It’s not really something you can read about in a book, though maybe a collection of spiritual readings drawn from Scripture, the writings of JP2, stories of other women who have gone through the same thing would help. I’m thinking something more along the lines of a support group at the local level, in the Church, or through one of the many virtual communities oriented around NFP. There is no way of making abstinence easy or fun, but there are ways we can remind ourselves about how it is helping our marriages, pleasing God, and helping us to grow in virtue.
Rachel, these are all really fantastic thoughts. Have you read any of Ascension Press’ “Amazing Grace” series? They’re sort of Catholic “Chicken Soup for the Soul” Books, but really inspiring. I read “Amazing Grace for Those Who Suffer,” and it was tremendously inspiring. I haven’t read the Amazing Grace for Mothers or Couples ones, but if it’s not already covered, we should put together an “Amazing Grace for NFP Users” Book (or alternatively, “Amazing Grace for Those Who Abstain”!).
What do you think? In the back, we could include an appendix of suggested resources and formats for forming an NFP support group. Or if one’s community or parish already has some sort of marriage ministry/ program (like Alexander House’s Covenant of Love Program), it could be a supplement, or a focus or a particular presentation, or be integrated in some way.
Good post and points. Thanks for the plug. I’m just glad it can be helpful. I think misinformation is a big problem. Godspeed and a blessed Holy Week
I wish I had come across your blog months ago. I appreciated the call to evaluate how NFP is presented in both marriage prep meetings and to inquiring couples. I am a family nurse practitioner and my husband and I serve as a mentor couple for marriage prep. We agree with a prior posting that it is easy to fall into the trap of desperately feeling like we have to convince these couples to abandon contraception and embrace NFP, rather than to give them the truth of marriage and let the Holy Spirit take it from there. I also teach many non-Catholics and couples with no religion who seek NFP for “natural” or medical reasons, but they do tell me it enhances their marriage (when both husband and wife are on board)
Over the years I have taught 2 methods and studied 3 others. Because of my profession, I am extremely concerned that whatever I teach be 1) continually evaluated against the most current scientific understanding of female reproductive system, 2) avoid unnecessary complexity – i.e. as simple and understandable as possible, 3) supportive of the unitive as well as the procreative aspects of marriage, and 4) provide accurate information useful in medical diagnosis of gynecologic and/or infertility problems. For these reasons I am teaching the Billings Ovulation Method. Yes, Billings does have internet learning. Go to http://www.woomb.org. On the right side of the page is a link to “internet service”. Billings is international (used in 120 countries); some of the spelling reflects Australian English (example: “oestrogen” rather than “estrogen”.) Alternately, go to http://www.boma-usa and contact the American office to find a teacher who can work with you via phone/email/etc. That can work well if you have an experienced teacher and are willing to learn “long distance.” It’s so important to have a teacher’s support, isn’t it?
This is fantastic work that you are doing to raise awareness about NFP. My husband and I have practiced NFP in our marriage of 20 years. We have found it to be empowering to understand our fertility thoroughly through the process of charting. I have not found it to be difficult- I have been very diligent in being aware of my fertility. I can see the challenges that it might be for others; but I am always encouraging others to be open to the gift that it is for married people. My husband and I are committed to bringing the message to so many that are not aware that this is a great option. Blessing to you for the work that you are doing!
Wow I was disappointed.
Google brought me on a search “nfp sucks” and I was expecting to get something other than the usual defense. I wanted to sit here and read people as disgusted, frustrated and angry as I am, bitching openly about NFP. Bummer, that’s not what’s here….
We were married 18 years ago, with all of the promises that the Catholic Church advanced back then:
“NFP will make you closer!”
“NFP is great for your marriage!”
“NFP is true love, contraception objectifies your beloved!”
I’m sorry but that’s an absolute crock. Originally we used NFP to achieve a pregnancy. In that first year I realized that the only time my wife actually *wants* to have sex is during her fertile period. The rest is just “choresex”.
Fast forward and now we have 7 children, all of them welcomed with open arms and gratitude. But now we’re at the end of our rope emotionally as parents; we have no problem at all raising the 7 we have, but at the rate we’re going I will reach retirement age around the same time my youngest moves out. (Assuming they move out!) And my wife is adamant that she’s done. She’s said she will literally have a nervous breakdown if she gets pregnant at 42.
My wife has become VERY angry over the years that we used NFP to “avoid”. She couldn’t have sex when she wanted to, but only when she was least interested in it. And now we’re looking at that model for the rest of our lives, or at least until she goes through menopause?
And THIS is the alternative to “objectifying” my spouse? By telling her that because she has ovaries and is fertile she can’t enjoy good, unitive sex? In what sense is that not “objectifying” her?!
The people who make NFP into an eighth Sacrament all talk about how sex is the reaffirmation of our wedding vows. Sure, the fourth was to be open to children. But what about the first, to honor and cherish her?! If my wife, who has carried and given natural birth 7 times, nursed 7 babies, wants to have a good old affectionate romp in the hay, I’m supposed to tell her “NO! You are disrespecting your fertility!” Come on, you’ve got to be kidding.
So now I’m being told that if she goes and gets her fallopian tubes blocked, she’s going to Hell, and I’m going with her if I have sex with her?! All of this because of rules from a (theoretically) celibate clergy?
Meanwhile, 80%+ of the Catholics in the US use ABC and have no qualms about it. There is one family in our large parish who have more kids than we do. The rest all have 2 or 3. Am I to believe that their wives all had hysterectomies for medical reasons? Or that they’re all using NFP? That’s statistically impossible, because most of the research suggests that less than 4-5% of Catholics use NFP. There would be waiting lists to get NFP instruction if that was the case.
The priests won’t preach about it, because they know it will drive away all of their parishioners. So the small fraction of Catholics who actually take the time to know what the Church teaches are bound to obey, or go to Hell . . . .
If the Church really cared about this issue the Bishops would direct their pastors to preach on it. If they really believed that it was “intrinsically evil” they would worry about their flocks and do something about it.
When was the last time you heard a sermon on the “intrinsic evil” of ABC?
Mark, did you agree with *anything* I said? If you’re looking for someone to affirm your understandably emotional response to the difficulties of living the sacramental life,I can’t say I agree with you. However, I understand a little where you’re coming from. I want to answer each one of your largely rhetorical questions, and respond to your disappointment with my post, which is, I’m guessing, just disappointment in something else as well. My guess is that if the suffering of non-contracepting (and I don’t deny it’s a suffering) is too much, there may be other stuff going on in your life (marriage,family, job,spiritual, health, etc.) then I can’t speak to that; only a true self-examination in prayer can.
I’ll get back to you soon. Thank you for stopping by.
Mark, I think you should go poke around conversiondiary.com or read more Christopher West or Love and Responsibility or just pray more (who prays enough?). My friend you reek of resentment, like instead of the gift sex is, it’s owed to you. Nope that’s culture telling you to take a detached romp not God.
Indeed here are times and things you have to sacrifice, doesn’t look like I need to tell you that, and it looks like you’ve done an excellent job at being faithful, so I can understand your anger when you look at sex through that perspective.
Also, if you had 7 trying to abstain, you are clearly skipping something in NFP and should have taken a refresher or two my friend!!!!!! When was the last refresher you took!??? Science is always refining these methods. God bless you and grant you PEACE!!!! It’s okay to vent and get frustrated (I do all the time) I just hope this doesn’t stay with you. Breathe!!
Mark, it must be difficult for you to be using NFP when so many around you seem to have no qualms about using birth control. I would definitely recommend that you work with an instructor to help you identify more available days, especially as your wife gets closer to the time of menopause and her cycles may become irregular (which if you try to do it on your own, will likely result in abstaining more than you need to, or an unexpected pregnancy). Also, it is important that the two of you work together to make intercourse on non-fertile days more than just ‘chore-sex’ because eventually she will no longer have any more fertile days, and won’t have those strong natural inclinations to make love on particular days.
I came accross this site because I do struggle with the practice of NFP. We have been using NFP for nine years and it has has never been easy. I’m especially disappointed by people who seem to dismiss a comment like Mark’s above by saying he “is resentful” or “needs to pray more.” While I don’t have a problem with NFP I think he brought up some valid points that I myself have experienced with my wife. 1. Our sexual union often feels very one-sided because my wife is never in to having sex on her non-fertile days 2. The fertile periods seem to have grown longer over time leaving very few opportunities to be intimate. 3. I often await the non-fertile days with anticipation because they are few are far between. Because my wife loves me, she will make herself available to me when she isn’t fertile. Unfortunately, there is a tremendous amount of pressure to those days. She feels obligated, and I feel like it may be our only opportunity to be intimate before her fertility returns. All of these factors make love making much less giving and unitive than many couples would hope for. I love God and I want to follow him completely, but in this matter it is extremely difficult for me. There are times it has been a strain on my marriage. We will continue with the practice, but I think people need to be more understanding of how much of a struggle this can really be.
@Chris, Thanks for stopping by. The point of the post wasn’t to lambast NFP. This *is* an NFP blog. It was to chastise those who “sell” NFP as a panacea in the styling of the contraceptive mentality–curing all one’s family and family planning “problems”. Mark, despite his contrary tone, even proves my very point. He’s frustrated because he thought NFP would be easy and would make sex and family super peachy.
Mark brings up a lot of good points (as do you, Chris), but the bottom line I was making is that there’s not enough support out there for those trying to live freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully–medically, instructionally, and pastorally. I think both of your frustrations are proof of this, rather than an indictment of NFP per se.
Re: your reaction to comments exhorting M & others to “pray more,” the exhortation to prayer can be received two ways: as a condescending correction or a fraternal reminder. I know that when I wasn’t in a particularly good place emotionally (I don’t think one can deny the strong emotion in M’s comment) and spiritually, a friend asked me if I prayed about it. Now I know that her intention in asking that was a pure exhortation to self-examination. I was freaking out over something that God was allowing to happen for a reason, and I just had to work through it. But instead of receiving it as such, I received it as the former, a condescending correction from a self-righteous soul. I responded then with, “Why don’t you pray about this!” and promptly slammed the phone down. [Yikes.]
Now I know the commenters personally (myself included), so I know that the place we’re coming from is not of self-righteousness, no matter what one might think. Nobody can judge anyone, but we can discern by tone and words used that there’s a level of resentment. It’s not a judgement; it’s an observation. There’s nothing wrong with anger, but what one does with anger that makes it sinful.
I think the suffering of those who struggle with NFP (and there are many) is real. I don’t doubt this. This suffering isn’t what makes NFP less legit; it’s what makes us struggle in holiness. Depending on the couple and their circumstances, it can be occasional sacrifice with relative ease, or struggle that brings a couple together, or the kind of struggle that goes to the depths of the soul. Either way, this struggling is allowed for a reason.
NFP does suck. However, I don’t want to rub salt on an open wound by saying this. I want to bring this to the attention to experienced NFP users, teachers, promoters, and clergy so that we can more effectively serve those in this struggle, leading them to peace rather than unrest and sterilization, physical and spiritual.
We’re not doing this well, and we need to vastly improve, starting with more male mentoring.
Hi there!
Good article. I have said many of these things dozens of times. In order for NFP to work it’s magic, you have to have a good foundation in place. Just like a beautiful house built on a swamp won’t hold up as well as one built on rock:)
I’m sad to hear the remarks from Mark and the other male poster. NFP is very frustrating at times, but my husband and I actually have more fun with sex now than we ever did before because we appreciate it more and we make our times of intimacy special by having a special night with a sitter or stealing away to a hotel for an evening. It makes the abstaining so worth it!
Also, a person has to look at the alternatives to NFP. They aren’t great. I know that to some people the Church’s teaching on NFP seem like the Church is trying to keep us from enjoying our life. I know there was a time when I wished I was born into a Protestant family just so I wouldn’t have to follow Catholic teaching on ABC. After our third child (which was an NFP surprise) I was about to give up on NFP. I looked into EVERY other option…and what I found was that there was nothing else out there that could offer anything more reassuring than NFP. Sure I could do an IUD or tubal or husband could get a big V…but I have heard of people getting pregnant under every one of those scenarios. The only thing I knew of that worked 100% was abstinence. We use a fertility monitor now and we typically abstain until ovulation is confirmed. Our first child was only 2 when our third child was born, but we have made it two years using NFP without a surprise. We are open to having more children in the future, and NFP allows us to have that option. Sex can still be wonderful and fulfilling even when it’s not carried out during the fertile time. I have always noticed that sex is better when our relationship is solid, but when we are having disagreements, stress, etc. sex isn’t as good. It’s always better when we are communicating with each other about what we want in need in our marriage…and that includes what we want sexually.
Thank you for this post. I agree with the comment by Rachel about there not being a lot of support for couples who are abstaining. Like Jessica said in the article, the Catholic Churches teaching does not endorse that couples have as many children as physically possible, that being said it is often appropriate for couples to abstain.
I have been charting for just under a year now and have just started putting NFP into practice about a month and a half ago when my husband and i were married. I initially started charting to try to figure out my terrible PMS symptoms…Thankfully there is a great NFP MD in my town and I was finally able to have my hormones checked (my ob/gyn said i was too young for that and that is was junk science)Through the testing we found that I had a Phase Three Lutial Phase defect. I was prescribed progesterone injections and have been on them for about 4 cycles. My PMS improved, I cried far less often and my outburst at my then fiance became more muted.
The first month of marriage with my crazy cycle has been hard.Several years ago I was fed the same line about fertility only lasting 3-5 days, and that technically ovulation only happens one day of the month so abstaining should be easy and a small sacrifice. My mucus cycles are averaging 14 days, almost triple the amount of days that were quoted to me to try to “sell” me on the idea….that can seem like forever to a couple that is newly wed and has a strong desire to come together sexually.Not to mention my husband travels about 50% of the time for work, which is really hard when he leaves the day after my mucus dries up, is back for a week and then leaves for another week. We are not left with a whole lot of options…we could stop abstaining, but we firmly believe that it is not God’s will for us at this point in our marriage, but we are excited for the day that it is!!!
The other thing that has been bothering me is that at our last check in with out MD he thought that perhaps I may not even be ovulating (according to “first response” I am though…or at least this month I did) But even if I am the dose of progesterone I have been on does not look as though it would be enough to support a pregnancy. This is all so frustrating because we are trying to postpone pregnancy right now and it is so difficult to abstain, so to hear that my fertility may be impaired on top of that….it’s this though in my head that keeps saying “why try so hard to avoid something you may never be able to have anyway”
I am convicted of NFP, I will never stop practicing it…And I thank God for a non-Catholic but strong Protestant husband who has been on board with me from the get go (I think I let him know on our 4-5 date that contraception was a deal breaker for me…the poor guy had never heard of nfp and he barely knew me, but i think that is how awesome his personal faith in the Lord is)
So bottom line, NFP is hard, it does suck, a lot sometimes. My husband is more patient than I am during abstinence and definitely has taken it more in stride this first month in than I have. I hope to be able to find a community of support for those abstaining, or for those who have long abstinence times, because there are not that many NFP users out there and because sometimes it feels as though abstaining can be judged negatively by well meaning Catholics it is hard to know where to go with my concerns.
Thanks so much for letting me tell a little bit of my story.