There's no easy button for NFP, which is why it's so great.

Many couples find themselves between a rock and a hard place, namely, between the Rock & NFP. They (particularly Christians) choose NFP for any combination of reasons, including moral, practical, relational and medical. Some NFPers are well formed in their faith and gung-ho from the beginning, but some are skeptical and need a little encouragement.

In the latter scenario, you may hear the following pitches by NFP instructors, marriage preparation coordinators, friends or pastoral associates:

It’s just as effective as contraception!

It’s marriage insurance: NFP users almost never get divorced.

NFP is really simple.

It’ll bring you two together like nothing else.

NFP is totally legit.

Now before your trigger finger hits the combox, hear me out. What’s wrong with introducing NFP with the following statements? I say, a lot. There’s nothing patently false about the above statements. In fact, they’re true. However, these statements should come within the context of a well-formed and universal perspective on marriage, sexuality and NFP. Otherwise, you’re presenting NFP as a marital panacea (just like contraception is presented as a panacea) without exception, and this doesn’t do anyone a favor, to say the least.

It reinforces our culture of convenience and the quick ‘n easy approach to life, which in the end is no short cut at all. See my qualified versions of these statements:

It’s just as effective as contraception! (Not the full truth. This presents NFP as just “Catholic Contraception.” Though the end can be the same–97-99% effectiveness at postponing pregnancy, it’s fundamentally different. Further, NFP can also be used to achieve pregnancy for those wanting to get pregnant, as well as identify health issues and causes of infertility.)

It’s marriage insurance: NFP users almost never get divorced. (I don’t doubt the logic behind this–I’ve seen it in action. However, I’ve done the research, and the studies that quote NFP user divorce rates at around 2% are not methodologically airtight. I think the hypothesis is correct, but better studies need to be conducted. Further, this is usually stated in such a matter-of-fact way as to sound like NFP=perfect, happy marriage. It’s not just about the method; it’s about the whole marital package, which may include NFP.)

NFP is really simple. (NFP isn’t rocket science, but it’s not as easy as swallowing a pill or getting a periodic shot. I think NFP’s selling point is precisely that it requires effort. The things worth learning require effort. What makes NFP work for couples is that it requires knowledge, effort, responsibility and self control. If you can’t listen, chart, record, be responsible, communicate and control yourself, think twice about marriage because it requires all those virtues. NFP stands for “Not For the Pusillanimous.“ But that’s it’s strength.)

It’ll bring you two together like nothing else. (No barriers, natural sex and shared responsibility tend to bring people together, but if you have unhealthy communication, unequal commitment to NFP or relationship issues to begin with, NFP will not solve those issues for you. You have to work at those, and once you’re both committed and can communicate in a healthy, selfless way about it, it will totally bless your relationship.)

NFP is totally legit. (Yup, sure is. However, for Catholics, you can’t just use it to postpone pregnancy at will because you feel like it for selfish, non-serious reasons. The fourth marriage vow says that you will be open to children. While this doesn’t mean you have to have as many children as physically possible, it does mean you understand that sex is awesome, uniting and bonding, but that sex also means babies. The Church leaves it up to the couple’s discretion to discern what is a just, serious or grave reason, but what gets me is that this part of the equation is usually left out. If it does get a mention, it’s in passing, with no guidelines on how to discern this.)

Bottom line: proper formation in NFP classes is so key, which means NFP Instructors need to have great formation, not only in the methodology, but in the theology and morality.

Another key aspect, which is much more lacking than proper formation, is support for couples after the class is over. Theoretically, approved NFP methods are supposed to have ample follow up. This is usually the case that charting follow ups happen, and follow ups (in person or over the phone) are very helpful in getting through the nuances of NFP charting and interpretation.

However, sometimes women have irregularities in the mucus or other biological signs of fertility, and the level of difficulty increases because it may mean (if they’re postponing pregnancy) that their days of abstinence are longer, therefore increasing the sacrifice and oftentimes stress in the relationship. This isn’t inherently a bad thing, as difficulties dealt with virtue bring many graces and bless a relationship. However, if a couple has been told “NFP is a snap,” “Days of abstinence are 3-5 days,” and “You’ll totally love it!” without much other formation, they will be understandably disappointed.

In Joshua B’s refreshingly honest post at Evangelical Catholicism, he says it straight out: NFP needs to be properly introduced and taught, and it shouldn’t be presented as a marital cure-all.  I TOTALLY AGREE!!! Joshua goes on to talk about the need for the couple to be open with their teachers, even with the emotional/ sexual/ relational side of things. However, it’s not always the case that the conversation goes in this direction, or that couples are comfortable discussing their questions about X-Y-Z with Mr. & Mrs. NFP Teacher. This explains the huge prevalence of NFP Message boards, the e-equivalent of the sewing circle, which are usually gender segregated (on purpose or by nature). Somehow it’s more comfortable to discuss foreplay, sexual frustration, questions about what’s illicit/ unchaste sexually in the “safety” of online friendships than a face to face convo with your teacher, whom you hardly know and face judgement from.

The last thing I want to mention, which Joshua B. brings up in his second post on “Troubles with NFP”, is that sometimes couples have difficulty with a method, which can happen for a number of reasons. It may be a difficulty with recording temperatures, keeping up with the mucus classifications, an intuitive difficulty, or a health issue that their particular method isn’t helping them with. This is where NFP Instructors need to be trained well enough, and be familiar with other methods, so that they can openly and happily refer a couple to another method or another Instructor. Thankfully, this does happen, and couples find the right fit, not giving up on NFP.

However, as I lament here in point #3, many NFP Instructors become such fans of their method and their own NFP community to the detriment of the wider NFP community. They forget NFP Instructors for other methods are their friends and colleagues sometimes, even going so far as to misquote other methods’ statistics (perhaps just through lack of knowledge) and act as if their own method is THE method for everyone. It’s awesome to be a die-hard promoter of your method, but to act as if your method has absolutely the answer for every couple and every temperament is naive at best, and leads to a prideful, self-centered manner that, in the end, is fruitful for nobody. So we really need to encourage inter-method dialogue and learning so that we can understand eachothers’ methods, the data on other methods, and even learn about the beauty of other methods and what sets them apart.

Hopefully I don’t sound like a total Debbie Downer, but I want to bring a little self-examination to NFP groupies (of which I’m one) who sometimes get a little over-enthusiastic in our cheer-leading. After this somber editorial, what are some positive things we can do:

• Sit in on your instructors’ classes (for NFP Coordinators/ Supervisors): If distance doesn’t prevent you, be a regular observer in classes.  I would  have never known of some of the formation issues at hand if I hadn’t sat in on classes. Your instructors shouldn’t fear your presence as if your sole job is being Big Sister, but it is part of your work to check the quality and accuracy of instruction, and affirm instructors who are doing a great job.
• Hold formation classes or informal meetings for NFP Instructors (for NFP Coordinators/ Supervisors): One way to correct mistakes or preemptively get at problem areas is to offer formation classes periodically. Make it interesting and fun, and offer babysitting if you can for parents. This way you can encourage dialogue between the methods, have Q&A, and find out yourselves how instructors are handling the difficult issues. Topics to cover: The dos & dont’s about speaking on NFP, how to promote a class, reaching out to the cohabiting couple, difficult cases, Theology of the Body review, and prayerful discernment of just and serious reasons.
• Start a Family Support Group: It’s not just about NFP, but that will certainly be part of this. You can do this virtually for free with volunteers and some intra-parish promotion, or you can hire Alexander House (or a similar family aposotolate) who offers a Covenant of Love Program to help you coordinate this.
• Pray for your couples: We shouldn’t just pray for people to discover NFP and give up contraception. We need to continually offer our apostolate (whether it’s giving talks, NFP instruction or promotion) in prayer, and to pray for those will will be, are, or have been under our care.
• Reach out: Make sure your couples know that they can reach you, personally but also by phone/ email. Also, get to know them as much as you can. In your one-one-one time or follow ups, ask them about themselves (obviously within reason) and get to know them. They can’t ask you the difficult questions if they don’t know you or trust you.
• Be refreshingly honest: If you’ve had a struggle with NFP that turned out well, share it! An honest story about a real struggle is worth so much. It makes us human, and lends credibility when counseling couples.

What other suggestions do you have?

I’m working on an article for Family Foundations again. It’s third in the series of three on NFP & Marketing, and it’s going to focus on new media. It’ll cover questions like

• What is new media? What are its forms
• Why is it important, growing and powerful?
• Where did new media come from?
• What are the benefits/ problems with new media?
• How can we use it to market, inform and fire up the grassroots movement of NFP?

Stay tuned, and keep me in your prayers. New job, new place, and (another!) move in the future are going to ramp up the stress factor.

My first in this series is in a back copy of FF, and the second will appear very soon.

[Update: the second and third articles in the series have been cancelled. Look for them in an upcoming post!]